BHF5: Episode V: Origins of Tusken Rocker
by ShadowDialga
Summary: Prequel episode! Tusken Rocker joins the BHF5.


**Episode V: Origins of Tusken Rocker**:

Narrator: I was gonna say an intro, but the intro is pretty much the same thing as Episode IV. See, THAT was originally supposed to be THIS, but Alex ran in and made some crap about Samus. This is my attempt to redo it as I wanted. So here it goes…

Jango Fett: I've heard that Longo Two-Guns is just outside of Jabba's former Palace. I've heard he might be working for the Bando Gora.

Z-Man: The Bando Gora? I thought they were wiped out a long time ago.

Jango Fett: No. That was the Mandalorians. I'm the last of them. At least until I got cloned.

Dengar: So how do we get to Gardulla's Palace?

Jango Fett: The last time I checked, the easiest way is through the Tusken Canyon. It's as easy as going into a tunnel with sleeping Krayt Dragons. Funny I said that 'cause there are sleeping Krayt Dragons there and it's a tunnel.

Z-Man: Oh, this is going to be easy.

Dengar: Do you copy, Bart?

[Through transmission device.]

Bart: I read you. But now's not a good time. I'm going through a tunnel. [static.] This tunnel does not look good for Homestar Runner…[static.] No seriously, it doesn't.[static.]

Z-Man: Poor guy.

[Enter Jundland Wastes.]

[Dengar stops.]

Jango Fett: What?

Dengar: Something… is coming. EYES OPEN! GUNS OUT!

[Silence.]

Dengar: GET IN THE JEEP! NOW!

Jango Fett: Don't understand. There's nothing around. Including a Jeep. I mean, there is none. …lol wut?

Dengar: The desert knows how to make it easier to die here.

[The non-existent Jeep is silent.]

[Tusken Raiders come out.]

Z-Man: DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!

[Oh wait they're in an invisible Jeep.]

Dengar: Aren't you driving?

Z-Man: Oh, yeah. Right.

[Dengar gets sniper.]

[Jango Fett gets blasters.]

Z-Man: They're gaining! It's Laizheur Tiem!

[Meanwhile.]

Tork: C'mon! It's time to raid!

TR: I'd rather rock than raid.

Tork: And I thought I was the stupid one. Hey dude! You're not wearing your coat!

TR: So?

Tork: It's against Tusken law to show any exposure to your skin!

TR: What, why?

Tork: Dude…no one wants to see your [abnormally tiny OOOOHHH.] Tusken Junk hanging out when you walk…

TR: So…what now?

Tork: As far as I know, either you get banned, or you die!

TR: At least no one's watching.

Tork: Dude, everyone's watching.

TR: Oh, nerf. What now?

Chief: According to our tribe, this is punishable by death. But for now, you get a 10 minute head start to leave this place and never come back. You better leave before we change our minds.

[TR turns to Tork.]

Tork: Sorry dude. At least no one will miss you. Also, you may have a beer before you go. [Turns to tribe.] OK, you guys! 10 minutes till the hunt! Get your spears ready!

[Flashback.]

[TR gets left behind after parents go to raid.]

[He gets found by other sandpeople.]

[Foster parents get killed by Jedi named Anakin Skywalker. Wait, hold on, wasn't HE the one that attacked Luke? Or was that Anaki- Ah screw this.]

TR: [sigh.] Fine. I'm going.

[leaves village.]

Jango Fett: We lost them…

[Jeep stops near Sarlacc pit.]

[Jango falls into pit.]

Jango Fett: HOOWW THE HEECCKKK DIIID Thiiis haapppeeennn agaiiiinnn?..

Dengar: Are you still alive?

Jango Fett: I need help getting out.

Z-Man: Go on ahead, Dengar. I'll go by myself.

Jango Fett: So are you gonna help me out or what?

Dengar: Just let me read "How to get Person out of Sarlacc Pit"

[Grabs "Gentleman Bounty Hunter's Quarterly" magazine.]

Bart: So you're on your own now? Too bad I can't come.

Z-Man: What do you mean you can't come?

Bart: I'd tell you, but you probably won't even care.

[Static.]

Z-Man: Guess I'm on my own.

[Walks off.]

[Sees sign saying "BEWARE OF KRAYT DRAGONS".]

[Sees Tusken raider alone.]

TR: [Thinks.] Maybe if I kill a Krayt Dragon with my bare hands, they'll consider me a true warrior and let me back in the tribe and live my life as a village idiot.

[Krayt Dragon comes out and chases TR.]

TR:OH MY JAWA!

[TR gets cornered.]

[Z-Man comes and snipes.]

Z-Man: Who are you?

TR: GGAAH! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME CHIEF! I WAS ONLY TRYING TO PROVE MYSELF!

Z-Man: Who are you calling chief?

TR: OH, COME ON! ANYONE WHO DRESSES LIKE YOU IS THE CHIEF!

Z-Man: Well, I'm not- [Thinking.] hey, maybe if this guy thinks I'm the chief, he'll be my slave if I let him live!.]- ttthhhe-anyone but the chief! NOW, I shall let you live, but you must do my every bidding!

TR: OH THANK YOU! What should I do first, O Savior One?

Chief: Wash my socks. I've been wearing them for like 2 weeks and they are seriously STANK.

TR: …are you sure you wouldn't rather kill me?

Z-Man: No.

TR: SSSIIIGGGHHH…I didn't know a fiery guy even wore socks. Not to mention it wouldn't even stink.

Z-Man: Nothing makes sense. Like in Super Mario Bros 3., How can an freaking raccoon fly? Not to mention how can touching a maple leaf turn you into one? And eating a mushroom with eyes makes you bigger. And that touching an enemy can either make you smaller, weaker, or make you fall off nothing. And when royalty gets captured, they just get a fat Italian plumber to survive a giant defense system. Now get me a soda. I'm parched.

TR: Hey Chief, I've heard rumors. You're a bounty hunter, right?

Z-Man: Does a Ewok have the ability to survive a superatomic bomb?

TR: Well, I-guess so. I'm good at sniping. Can I be one, too?

Z-Man: Well, The Bounty Hunter Force 4 thing is starting to get very old. A 5th one would be good enough.

[Together, they captured Longo-Two-Guns and got $_$.]

Bart: This is good news. Now GET ME AWAY FROM THIS PLACE!

Z-Man: Why?

Bart: NO QUESTIONS! JUST GO!

TR:AAUUGGHH! PATRIOTISM!

Static: The representative from California has the floor.

Green Day:

Seig Heil to the Resident Gasman!

Bombs away is your PUNISHMENT!

Pulverize the Eiffel Tower

And criticize your GOVERNMENT!

Bang bang goes the broken glass

Kill all the [bleep] who DON'T AGREE!

Trial by fire setting fires.

Something something something let's drink

I beg to dream indifferent from the Hall Of Rights

This is the dawning of the rest of our lives! On holiday!

Epilogue: Z-Man eventually revealed he was BSing TR about being the chief. This formed a lifelong rivalry between the two. Also, the wizard made all the plotholes and inconsistencies made by a prequel.


End file.
